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  • Hope and Faith

    Meet Faith and Hope or maybe it’s Hope and Faith. I’m not sure if I can tell them apart but who could? Specially when something is so beautiful and so special to look at. Let me tell you a little about my journey.

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    I have always been incredibly lucky and thankful to have such a close bond with my parents. We have always been “The 3 Amigos”, “3 peas in-a-pod”, “The 3 Little Bears” (do you see the pattern here) – extremely close in every way. However, my mom and I share a special bond. Together we laugh, cry, tease, disagree, argue and love. You see, she is my oldest and dearest best friend.

    Can any of you relate to me by just the first few sentences of my introduction? Yep, it’s a pretty unique gift you share if you’re close to your love ones like we are.

    30 days ago things took a very unexpected turn leaving for work one morning. I got up, took a shower, anticipating a Friday night dinner with a few close girlfriends but while blow drying my hair, I heard my front door open. My parents walked in and wanted to know if I could skip work and spend the day with them. I could tell something wasn’t right. Some reason I had already seen the look of fear on their face. (I knew, for someone who works as much as they do, I knew better. I knew this wasn’t going to be a skip work and let’s go have some fun day) Emotions somehow completely took over my body as my moms voice was crackling to speak the words of “Kacie, they found a …”

    …But before I break this all down over the next few blog post, I want to jump right into where I’ve been camping out since we left MD Anderson two weeks ago and what I was up to before my life turned upside down.

    You see, when I first started blogging a few months back, I wanted to blog about the struggles I was already facing and had been faced with at such a young age in my life. I wanted to blog about the fun girlie stuff for myself and maybe relate to others who share the same interest as I did. I wanted to turn the blog that was called “ParadiseRoads” into a fun fashion and lifestyle blog. It was actually going really well. I had my first calibration and was paid a little money to write about a website. Now, growing up I knew I wanted to be married at a young age. I wanted a family. However, things don’t always go as planned. I had a very rough pregnancy, then having to grow up really fast due to my baby being diagnosed with Hydrocephalus. I had written a few good stories about bullying and was also getting into my Catholic faith as I was blogging my little heart out over what I was learning through the help of an ACT’s Retreat I recently was apart of. Explaining how beautiful praying the Rosary is and was expected to have my first give-a-way through a bookstore. I wanted to blog about anything and everything. Hoping someone would relate or even help someone who was struggling with these same issues BUT one rational decision of emotions and it was gone. All because of a consultation one late afternoon, sitting across from a doctor,  who had just told us my mom had less than a year to live. I closed up from the world and never wanted to be heard from again. On the way back from Houston, I was so angry. I was so sad. I was numb. I felt like I was the one with a life-sentence. I truly and physically wanted it to be me with Cancer. Not her. Not my mother. My best friend, how could this be?!

    So what does any person of my state-of-mind do when they are hit with depression with the quickness – delete all social media accounts and kiss the blogging world goodbye. I hated everything and everyone. (not really) but I hated life in that moment in time. I didn’t want to pass the time I had left with my mom scrolling down with my thumb seeing all the “perfect worlds” everyone else was living. It was to hard at the time seeing everyone just going about their day, but then I had to stop and realize I wasn’t the only one going through these same trials. I couldn’t ask why. I couldn’t be the one to say “owe me” because it does happen to mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich, poor, black or white, child or grandparent, Cancer doesn’t care who you are, it’s like a thief in-the-night and that is truly what it was for us.

    We are still pinching ourselves on how surreal and fortunate we were to be able to have options at all right now and that brings me to my first blog post of the somewhat new life I’m going to be living, once I get out of this place. This is a new beginning for me today. Right now this very moment. No matter what the outcome will be for my mother. I know my dad and I are doing everything we possibly can so she can fight for her life and be comfortable. I hope you all read along and if you’re facing the same life curve-balls as myself then I’m here to tell you that there is hope and faith left.

    My parents and myself are at a place called CTCA (Cancer Treatment Center of America) I can’t wait to tell you about this place and maybe help you along your journey. Whether you’re a caregiver or a patient. Below are a few pictures of the grounds.

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    “Go into the world and proclaim the gospel to every creature” Mark 16:15.

    XOXO,

    KacieCarlson

    P.S. (The swains are really named Faith and Hope)

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