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  • Afraid of The Darkness to Courage in the Light

    What do you do when you can’t sleep at 3:00 in the morning?! Write a book on your iPhone until your fingers go numb.

    So I don’t know if I should say goodnight or good morning but either way happy weekend!
    Be polite. Act polite. I can’t tell you how many times I heard that growing up as a kid. I think most of us all try to go above and beyond for so many strangers at times. Making sure we hold open doors and making sure to give a simple smile through passing.
    There are so many people in this world that take their parents, kids, wives, husbands for granite within their own home and this breaks my heart. When I think of the young lady going through high school, so ready to get married at a very young age, and knowing I was always ready to be a young mom, (call it lack of ambition out of life if you will) but deep down I just knew what I wanted out of life. I’ve always had an old soul and that’s because of how my parents raised me. I can remember in kindergarten standing up by my teacher, talking to her and crying with my wash rag that my mom sent to school with me, while the other kids had “nap time”. Nap time did not exist for me. Growing up my best friend turned out to be my high school softball coach and wouldn’t you know I would end up marrying a high school baseball coach. My life dreams were ahead of me, I knew exactly what I wanted out of life.
    However, once you reach adulthood and you go through adulthood events, sometimes it’s just not the envision like you imagined. You loss hope after something bad happens time after time again and now I could never visualize the Kacie I am today. I have to reassure my Faith with God and the things I have embarked throughout my twenties and the starting of my thirties. The questions still haunt me night after night that my mom still has an hourglass to her life. There are things that still trigger my soft heart in knowing that one day I won’t be able to make that phone call to the person that has always been there for me. Sometimes the thoughts are over powering like a heavy cap that is wrapped around me and the eerie feeling of my mind playing tricks on me. sometimes trying so hard to overcome the negativity and dwelling on the reality that my mom has cancer.

    For me, it has been the words the doctors told us that still haunts me: 90 percent of ovarian cancer comes back. Yes, my mom is doing wonderful as of right now and I understand that you have to live in this moment and enjoy every day with your love ones to its fullest. My mom could have been gone 3 months ago if it wasn’t for God’s will. At the same time, I’m very grateful but the fear of losing my mom is unbearable to me. I’m a daughter who is completely wrapped in her mother’s arms in her thirties. My mother has never failed me. Ever. Not once and that is my fear of the attachment I can’t let go of.

    but neither has God
    I sat on the side of my mom’s bed one night and listen to her tell me: “Kacie, you’re going to learn to accept the fulfillment of being alone and enjoying the quiet times. Times that you will meditate and pray and embrace the peace around you”. This is the mystery of the unknown to me and how do we (I) rest in that place and know that YES one day everything is going to be ok.
    This past weekend I was shopping alone and realizing that the holidays are already amongst us, it hit me. I was walking around doing a little “window shopping” and I found myself in the mist of the holiday rush. The store was overly excited with customers and the echo of voices of hearing “I think so-and-so would like this”. “I think dad would like this”  … there I was just wishing I had my mom with me or a companion beside me. But never the less, we as Americans do this every year: An over load of Christmas anticipation followed by a broken check book. Nowadays we want to be as busy as possible.

    But why?

    I get it if you’re in the holiday cheer but at the same time even in the holiday season we could all take advice from the people who see the world a little differently. We live in a world where we can google anything and buy anything, and not to mention in a second, find out who is doing what on social media, we find out about anything and everything with a blink of an eye. The rush of wanting to know something first hand before anyone else does, rushing the drive home or rushing for the week to hurry up and get over with and then feeling rushed throughout the weekends with busy schedules and another sink full of dishes behind us.
    Are we all that scared to know what it’s like to be alone? To just be still and to learn to accept the fulfillment of being alone and enjoying the quiet times?
    I have buried myself into a construction zone of remodeling my house, taken down pictures and pushed things that reminded me of the times we spent at the hospitals aside just because i don’t want to relive those times. But what is it like to live in the unknown and how do we rest in that place and know that everything is going to be ok. I honestly think it’s part of a grieving process we can’t allow our bodies to go through at times. To be honest it’s actually a healthy thing to do.

    I think you have to develop yourself into a place of courage and that is what it takes to trust and to step into things you don’t know. For me it’s the unknown of cancer. Cancer is a mystery but what you take from the mystery of cancer it requires risk and faith. Knowing somewhere in the murky waters is an answer. A place of calm that will over take me to find peace as an independent soul through life. Surrendering all of my sadness and troubles in God’s good will.

    I encourage you to be polite. Act polite to yourself and even though it’s the holiday season and the mad rush is upon us. Take the time to grow, to change and to invest in others. Take the time to stroll down a dirt road. Take the time to be quiet. Take the time to ask yourself who you are and what you want, you may discover different hidden talents in the world, you never know you had. Develop a meaningful relationship creating the life that makes you feel alive. Most importantly be kind to one another and spend time with your parents, before it’s too late. It’s coming up on a new year. Which means new goals and fresh starts. Mend broken hearts even if it’s your own.
    I specially love this time of year, when you can bundle yourself up in layers clothes while the wind hits your face, the smell of wood burning on the fire and you can breathe in all the lungful of fresh, fall air. These are the moments I always reassure my Faith with God.


    The truth is, every child has to overcome fear of the dark, but so does every adult – as we choose to live fully awake, even in the dark, even in the questions – where courage is the only option, no matter the circumstances.



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