We all have to die one day are the words I keep hearing. Which is true but when is anyone ever ready for that reality? How do you prepare yourself? And how do you prepare for a separation when you know it’s coming one day, sooner than you expect!?
Sometimes I’m not going to lie, it’s hard to express the feelings I have and the pain I’m experiencing. Writing is hard. It takes time and keeping up with blogging for all of you to follow along is nerve racking. That is why I try to mix it up with fun post and make it as silly as I can at times, it definitely takes my mind off of the world that is revolving around me but at the end of the day, pacifically the hours between 5:00 and sleep, (whenever that is) it hits me and that is when my most intimate thoughts get the best of me.
Everyone has told me – “Kacie just pray” yes that is all I can do and at times feeling I’m not praying enough. The emptiness has lend to trusting God to carry me through this dark tunnel and the blind Faith I’m calling upon now-a-days.
Blind Faith (much like blindness itself) what does blind faith mean to you? Blind Faith means to me: that trusting blindly is to believe that God is carrying you gently and intentionally down the dark tunnel into which you most need to go. While many of us have different Christian beliefs and opinions, I feel we can all relate to what life feels challenged at times. I have realized that even the boring times out of life have become so important to me and the small things to me matters the most and in the same sense getting rid of old expectations and worn-out dreams in the process. Letting go doesn’t mean that you have to throw in the towel so to say but just like blindness itself you have to learn to trust and roll with the punches.
Nothing could have prepared me for the reaction I was about to hear while waiting for a doctor at MD Anderson telling my family that my mom had a year to live and not to mention the next few weeks of fear that was about to happen inside of me.
I remember the next few days vividly. It was a Saturday afternoon and I was on my home from my parents. I held on to the stirring wheel as tightly, as I could barely see with the blurry vision of water that was about to over flow my eyes. I just wanted to drive. I didn’t know where, I just wanted to ride. I ended up driving right into my church parking lot. Now normally my church is locked until right before a mass starts but this day it just so happen to be unlocked. I snuck right in and just sat there. I looked straight ahead and there HE was. I watched the candle burn ever so softly by the tabernacle. Now, all the way to the church I knew exactly what I was going to pray for, but once I was there sitting alone with him. I was speechless. I was thoughtless. I was just there. I had nothing to give him but my present . I didn’t know what to pray for. I think he knew that was all I needed. I sat there for a good hour that day.
I think that is why I love being Catholic, the stillness and the inter-peace you have while everything is so quite and peaceful in the present of Christ. I love that everything has a meaning in the Catholic Faith. A purpose.
Sitting there I began to see my mom’s face in my mind. How lucky I have been to have a mom like her. How lucky I’ve been to be her daughter. I’ve been lucky enough to have a mom grow up with me in my teens, to bring my friends trick-or-treating, to be the one that the kids thought she was the “cool” mom bringing us to the creeks during the hot summer months and to be lucky enough that my mom has seen me get married, have a baby and witness life together as my best friend. Most girls never get the chance to experience a mothers love or touch. I am slowly learning to break down at the times I feel challenged and realize how lucky I have always been.
At times we grow content with what feels safe. We limit ourselves from learning the courage it takes to enter a wilder unknown, when life tends to stir us off course. This is the time I have to let go and let HIM lead me by which is to be called blind faith of mine. I felt a deeper level of significance that day thinking about my mom. She is my heritage. I carry her blood inside of me of a wonderful soul she has taught me, at which at the time, I never realized but now I understand fulfilling her dream to pass down and how precious my own soul is. I hope to strive for way to incorporate her heart, and my faith into my daily life.
As I’m trying to approach each morning with the blind faith of God carrying me through the day, hope that you can do the same in your life. Whatever you’re feeling, whatever path you are taking, I pray for you never to judge one another because you never know when you will be faced with the same situations as myself.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I’m most thankful for my mom this year.
Xoxo – Kacie