God – I can’t keep avoiding you like this, “I say this to myself, wiping the tears from my face”.
I keep pushing myself with more and more thoughts that I’m not worthy of his love, his time or his friendship. Thinking this is what I should do to prove to him that I’m sorry, but all I feel inside is more and more anxiety. Life is only getting harder, and the fight is only getting more hurtful. It seems that the more my relationship wants to grow with him, the more apart Im growing away from him. And I began to think that my issues of love, life and pursuit of happiness, is something I can work out on my own.
However, I’m not ready to walk away from him yet.
I snuck in the back door the other day and had a smidge of a conversation with him. Not really knowing what to say or how to express my sorrow, I watched as the woman in the room next to me kneeled downed and had her rosary on repeat. The Eucharist right in front of her. With her. Watching her. And there I was behind the Eucharist in a dark, silent chapel, praying for forgiveness, faith and hope for my future. To me, I’m not even worthy of being in front of the Eucharist in moments of adoration. I would think that this is something only people of true humbleness and people of holy wealth would deserve.
If I try, to be inspirational through blogging, fashionable trends, a caregiver to my mother with the cancer and passionate about my Catholic faith, shouldn’t I be better at taking care of my soul? The truth be told my soul intimidates me. You see, other than my mothers cancer, I’m secretly going through an experience that is the most painful, traumatic event of my life. I’m lucky in so many ways but in so many other way I’m not sure where this is going to lead me. The agony of this pain is torture. So as I kneel in the dark, silent chapel behind the Eucharist. I hear a voice that tells me to “keep going”. Keep gritting your teeth through this unstoppable lifestyle.
Sometimes, you need the help from an expert to do the deepest healing. And there comes a time in your life when you can’t help yourself anymore, when you find yourself falling into the same cycles of pain and dysfunction in relationships or repeating patterns of hurtful behavior. Maybe its wounds from your past, present or future, that deep down, never truly healed. Maybe it’s fears that you are to terrified to admit them. Maybe you have friends and family who’ve suggested you get some support. Or maybe you have realized that you are just not as emotionally healthy as you could be, and it’s time to do some self-care.
Holding on to faith can be critical as an ER visit. I’ve only just begun my journey. I realize that I can’t do this alone anymore. Sometimes, your true healing only comes when you finally get the courage to ask for help.
1. Address a letter to God. Write down everything you are feeling, and then read it to him.
2. Keep on trucking. Keep praying. Keep saying your rosary. Even if you don’t want to say it, just hold it in your hands. Women are deeper when it comes to emotions and more vulnerable. Pray to Mary and use the rosary as your Armor.
3. Watch old episodes of Mother Angelica Live. She will straighten you out, make you laugh or make you cry. She is amazing and so inspiring to me.
4. I keep a prayer book handy. I keep one in my jeep. On my desk. And in my purse. I love reading over God’s promises in the Pieta booklet. This is my favorite of all books.
5. Last but not least, never stop bringing your children. Even if it’s to CCD. They will inspire you. They will let you know you are doing the right thing just by their sweet little faces.
Here are five of my favorite items from the Catholic Company that may help you along your faith journey.
1. Maybe you just want to meditate on prayer. Light a candle in silent. Here is the link to the Virgin Mary Untier of Knots Devotional Candle. I’m also loving the Flameless Candle with Base here.
2. Add a simple water font to a doorway. What a great reminder to keep your faith by the sign of the cross, with simple things like this. I love this Della Robbia Madonna & Child Holy Water Font here and how adorable is this Mexican Talavera Guadalupe Holy Water Font here. I can totally see it outside on a patio cover!!
3. Another great reminder is having a stain glass window hanger, hanging from your window. Im loving this one here
4. Why not crank up a tune in your musical box. I love the Song of Angel’s Musical Box.
5. Lastly, what I always have loved, are journals. Write down your thoughts and prayers.
These are all simple reminders around your home to let you know God wants you to go to him.
***this post is sponsored by The Catholic Company.
***in my own words