This year 2019, I will make a vow that is changing everything about my external world. I vow to listen to the many, many voices that speak up in my head, yelling at me from the depths of my broken heart. And I will commit to make peace with each and every one of them. Peace.
But before I listen to my thoughts and emotions, I need to feel safe, so I’m promising that I wouldn’t judge the things that come up in my brain. Instead, I will pay attention to my thoughts and the more I sink into stillness each day, leaning in and listening to my truest heart without my old opinions, the more my heart opens up to reveal what’s been going on inside for a very long time.
Sometimes I can hear a voice in my thoughts that sound exactly like my mother when she’s sad, or other times I can hear my dad’s voice when he is describing our Catholic Faith. Recently it’s been my 12 year olds son voice filled with laughter. Most of the time, all of those fade away and I’m reminded of my own voice within that tells me I’m not good enough. Do you ever have that same voice crying out to you?
I panic. And my thoughts shame me like a bully. For me, it’s like looking in a mirror at myself and constantly judging everything about me, everything that I do, and everything that I have done. But the loudest voice inside of me, is the one that I have feared the most over the years, is the voice of an abandoned little girl inside my heart who has never, ever, ever, stopped begging for love.
I have neglected her. I have ignored her. I have shamed her for her desperation. And she deserves better than that. She doesn’tknow what it means to heal or even hoe to move on from the first trauma before it happened again. And that stings cause even more internal damage, pain in her damaged soul.
This has created a lifelong pattern of rejection that piled pain onto pain, wound onto wound inside of my heart, slowly forming a volcano that couldn’t help but erupt in my thoughts, words and actions. I have attempted to just ignore the screaming little girl inside of me who constantly forced the insecurities into my brain. I have always felt scared and weak, and I hated myself for this. But when my fears would rattle inside my chest like a lion in a cage, I’d scream at myself in anger, “shut-up Kacie! Shut-up! You’re so pathetic! Suck it up and stop crying.
On the flip side, I’ve tried to reason with myself. Let it go Kacie! You deserve better! But it’s impossible to reason with a broken heart that needs to experience this love. I’ve attempted to stay busy so I didn’t have to stop long enough to feel my desperation, and ive drown out my pleas with bottles of wine, and little Debbie cakes. But it usually never fails, I’m always left feeling confused, angry, and feeling lonelier than ever.
This upcoming year I can feel a huge change coming within me. Like a miracle is going to happen to me. My fear of loneliness and abandonment is going to go away. Mostly the voices are going to be at peace. I will vow to never abandon myself in pain, ever again.
I wont leave you alone in this pain Kacie. Even if people come and go out of your life, I wont abandon myself and everything is going to be ok. When I wake up at night worried about the future, I vow to breathe deeply and deal with the anxiety right there and then. Each time I vow toward the pain, instead of away from it, I will eventually feel a peace that I can’t explain. Each time I listen to my heart as it’s afraid – moving toward the brokenness with compassion – a little more of my fear will end up floating away. I will vow to love myself in sickness and in death, in famine and fest, in negative emotions and irrational fears. I will be committed to stay by my side when I blow it, make mistakes, and fall short as a wife, mom, daughter, and friend. And because I’ll vow to love myself no matter what, love is healing everything.