I’ve been through a lot, but I always try to keep myself in-check with a load of gratitude from above. So many families experience trauma in ways I could never imagine. My family and I are learning how to deal with the impact of cancer and over the past four years, it’s been quite a journey. My life and those of my family were turned upside down. From this trauma, I lost myself along the way. I girl with humor and character, but truth be told, I don’t miss her and I’m glad she is gone.
I have good days and bad days just like anyone would, but I have also learned that there is something much greater beyond this life. My faith has held me accountable in hope of the life to come. I wanted to take this time and reflect on ten things I have learned since so much has been taken from who use to be.
1. Vulnerable – now I would say this is a blessing, and I slowly understand that more and more as I grow in faith. Before my vulnerability always led to failures and false dreams, but as I’m leading my way through a church community, it’s ok for people to see me weak, sad, angry or basically anything other than happy.
2. Strength– holy moly I can’t name a stronger women than my mother. I’m watched her take on this suffering and turn it into a strength. She is a fighter and she will never give up into she takes her last breath. No matter what is thrown at her, she’s be ready.
3. Awesome – our God is awesome. Cheesy I know, but it literally blows my mind how God works in his mysterious ways.
4. The little things – the little things matter. I have learned to treasure the little things in life, like walking to the car with a full set of air in my lungs. You don’t realize how good you got it, until you see someone you love so sick. It’sheartbreaking.
5. Plan – God has a plan. I truly believed that God hated me, and to be completely honest, I didn’t love him like I should have. I thought my mother’s cancer was my fault. I have learned that this pain I’ve felt is for a greater good. There is something beautiful in suffering and I am ready to spread this with others around me.
6. Forgiveness – it’s possible. And it’s possible with yourself.
7. Family – family is everything. you never know the magnitude of something until it’s gone. Or until you see someone fighting for their life. I will never be the same and sometimes I swear, that’s ok too.
8. Laughing – it’s ok to laugh. I use to think, why am I laughing, but it legit makes any intense situation a little better at times. I laugh about inappropriate things and am not always the most serious when I should be. But that’s OK! It’s how I cope.
9. I love you – I know this is cliché, but always say I loveyou because you just never know.
10. Better – some days are harder than others, but through years of darkness and depression, I believe and hope, that there’s light at the end of the tunnel.
I know these may seem like microscopic lessons, but they have impacted how I choose to love my daily life. I pray that if you are going through/have gone through a time of grief, you can find some comfort in my words. Everyone copes differently, and this is just a piece of my heart.
All pictures by: Anna Buller
Location: Baton Rouge, La
Sweater: Casa Benedetta
Heels: Clothes Depot